I’m angry at myself. Not in a pull-my-hair-out kind of way, but angry nevertheless. Or perhaps angry isn’t the right word. Maybe stubborn? Sad? Stupid? No, not stupid – I mean, what I did? Definitely stupid. But I think a better word may be frustrated.
I’m sure some of you’ve been getting email notifications about “new” posts that were really originally published over two years ago (trust me when I say that I tried very hard to figure out how to turn off those notifications for you). In reality, I was doing some restorative work to this blog after I’d come through early in my freshman year and bulldozed this blog to make (what I thought was) a more streamlined, professional personal site. And in my haste to convert the blog into that site, I lost most if not all the posts I had written prior to that point. Me to me after I realized what I had done:
Indeed, I had forgotten it all entirely as I moved away from thinking of this as a blog and more as a website (which it had been through the rest of my freshman year and most of sophomore year as well), and it was by sheer luck that I recovered any blog posts at all. Looking through my archived emails, I stumbled across one that contained the full text of a post I had written just before I entered Stanford called “Constellations”. After I read it and found myself caught off guard by how much it meant to me to read that post, I realized with increasing dread that I may have made a terrible, terrible mistake when I went in with that scorched earth policy a little over a year ago.
I tried to keep looking, seeing glimpses of a former me that I don’t quite remember anymore and perhaps never will. I have email notifications here and there that share seemingly insignificant things: that someone liked my post, or a friend followed my blog. But there are some that reveal a little more, and it frustrates me that I’ve lost those things.
I tried to keep looking, seeing glimpses of a former me that I don’t quite remember anymore and perhaps never will.
I see I wrote a post called “200/250 Vision” (it’s clear that I didn’t really understand how vision worked then), and one listing “18 things to a brand new start.” I’m almost positive this last one was a post about my birthday, but even then I can’t be sure anymore. I see I had written a three-part (!!!) series sharing my Admit Weekend experience, written just days after my Admit Weekend and in the midst of AP and IB testing… all of this to say that I’m not sure where these memories reside online, if they reside here at all anymore. They say that once something is out there on the internet, it’ll always be on there. But unless it’s on some remote server halfway across the world, I guess I did a better job of removing all traces than I thought.
I didn’t have the foresight to value the insight I had and may have gained from my previous posts; I didn’t value my previous posts at all, interested less in the potential to demonstrate my growth or document my change over college and more in keeping up a pristine image, one that kept up with the times and looked forward to the future without a regard to the past. I’ve learned that now, as hard that lesson seems to have been learned.
So here’s to me kicking myself in the butt as I naturally do after I mess something up. Here’s to finding the space within me to remember the value of our past as checkpoints we arrived at to become the person we’ve become today. And perhaps here’s to me accepting me, all of me, 100% authentic content and nothing less from me.
Until next time,